Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
