I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
