Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
