I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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