He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
