Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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