I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
