there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
