I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
