Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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