Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
