You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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