I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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