I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
