My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
