Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
