just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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