I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
