my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
