I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
