I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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