I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
