Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
