If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
