Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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