"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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