i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
