i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
His hands were made for my vagina.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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