I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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