the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
