OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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