gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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