high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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