I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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