oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
