I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
