1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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