when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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