Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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