I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
