Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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