when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
