Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
