Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
