oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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