it hurts more in the daytime
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
