I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
