Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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