She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
