You're earring is so big in my mouth
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
