do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
