Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
