Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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