Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
